Need amendment 要修正

英語の先生にartist statement を見て貰ったら死ぬ程赤チェック入りました。内容が抽象的すぎるという事です。そして英文はそもそも結論が先に来て後からその説明を述べるんですね。文の構成自体が日本文(起承転結)とは違うという初歩的な事を理解してなかった。。

My English teacher checked my artist statement and he amended many sentences. He said it was abstract too much. And , in English, seems that the conclusion is written at first , and then, written about its content. I didn’t understand the rudimentary things that the sentence structure between English and Japanese is different. Oh…

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